Thursday, 7 May 2015

I Saw It Coming.

As you all know, I try to keep this blog as varied and unique as possible.
So today, I wanted to give you an insight into how I am feeling.

At this moment in time, I am in the midst of a 'down spell'.
I have been waiting for this to make itself known since the month began. I can usually predict when they'll make an appearance (Living with depression your whole life tends to give you that 'wonderful' skill).

What is a down spell?

My down spells are what I call my depressive episodes. In my normal day to day life I am a pretty resigned and low person so when my 'down spells' hit, they hit hard. I have had a lot of practice at pretending everything's alright to save inevitable questions but this one seems particularly tough.

How does it feel?

I reluctantly open my eyes in the morning and it immediately sets in. I feel like I'm carry a whole other person with me all day both physically and mentally.
The thoughts I have double (that's saying something because I'm an over-thinker anyway...) and the toll on my body is a real drag.
Everything feels like a chore. Like it's the worst possible thing in the world.
Even the things I enjoy like blogging  and the necessities like eating become impossible tasks.
The simplest of things become a major drama and being on the verge of tears all day is a guarantee.
Sometimes I lay down and just can't physically get up. It's like all my strength has been zapped out of my body.  The brain and body are just so disconnected that it's hard to function as you normally do which just adds to the frustration and negativity.
Then the thoughts. Yes, some are suicidal. Yes, some are horrendous but the worst part of it all is there's no off switch. Regardless of what I do the thoughts linger and refuse to leave my side.
It hurts. It really hurts.

In my mind, whenever a bad thing happens when I'm feeling okay and I'm not in a downward spiral my brain doesn't deal with it like a regular person would. Most people would process whatever it was and feel the emotions and thoughts there and then. Instead I feel nothing and carry on. But my brain stores it in a little box ready to be reopened when I'm at my lowest.

My brain is my worst enemy.

This Monday is my sister's birthday but we're having the celebration on Sunday (with people coming over all weekend). The hardest part about this for me is that I feel like I can't face people right now. I feel like they can just see through to my soul and they can see how much I'm hurting. The simple question of how are you? is really hard to answer. I don't like lying to people but I have to. For their own good. I can guarantee anyone asking that question wouldn't ever be prepared for the honest truth. So I smile and say 'Okay thanks. How about you?'.
But I'm not okay. Far from it.

This episode is particularly horrible and I don't know why. I'm finding it difficult to be the great pretender I usually am.
So I apologize if there's a lack of blogging or activity on my part.

Thanks for reading and sticking with me
Loubee Lou

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