Saturday, 6 June 2015

Negative Thoughts.

Just when I thought I was turning a corner and improving my mental state with my new tablets (which I hate by the way) in creeps these nasty self hating thoughts.
The trigger? A mirror.

Today as I was getting ready to go out (yay) and my skirt didn't quite fit me properly (it was too big, that should have been a good thing) so I checked my outfit in the mirror and I had this overwhelming wave of self hatred. I mean, pure self hatred. The kind that makes you want to lock yourself away from the world (not so yay).
Everything I did/said/wore just wasn't right. I picked fault in everything about myself until I literally felt like dirt.

I haven't had these feelings in a while and when they hit me I just didn't know how to deal with them. I felt so vulnerable and useless...I just hated everything.
That's the thing. When people try to change your coping strategies you forget how to cope. People try to encourage you to be strong and find new ways to help yourself but deep down, you learn to cope in the best way you can. It isn't always best but in that moment of panic, you cope.

I felt like I'd been relying fully on these tablets for a miracle cure to all my problems. Silly, silly me.

Funny how your own mind can just turn on you and leave you feeling like you wished you weren't here any more.

I pushed this all aside and went out but I felt awful. I felt ugly, fat, stupid, misplaced and most of all, vulnerable.

Has anyone else found themselves in this situation?
How did you cope?

Thanks for reading
Loubee Lou

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