Tuesday, 27 October 2015

I Guess I'm Just Being Selfish.

It's crazy how I can go from being perfectly fine -even pretty good- to completely deflated in what seems like a second.

I have this thing that whenever I see someone (usually family or friends) doing well and leading normal bipolar free lives, I get envious and fell completely deflated. 
Of course I am happy for them but part of me is just reminded how different I am from everyone else and how much I haven't experienced... I guess I'm just being selfish but nevertheless the feelings are there and I can't change that.
I almost laugh at how oblivious they are.

For me a big part of my bipolar is coming to terms with the fact that I wont ever have what is deemed as a normal life, Pfft, normal...what is that?!
It's the big things like bringing your first serious boyfriend home to meet the family or throwing a big birthday party. And then it's the little things like laughing without feeling self concious, having a deep conversation where I'm not the broken one, wearing what I want because I want to, dying my hair a crazy colour just because....

I think that with mental health issues also comes a lot of unresolved feelings and sometimes -in my case- a sense of grief for the life you should have had.
I often say that life only deals you the cards you can handle but sometimes I'm left retracting my words because even the simple things are just so tough.

Some days I just want to remove my brain and give it to someone else. 
Someone stronger, smarter and just more prepared. 

Most people associate bipolar with mania but you know what? The depression is the side that hurts the most. It's the side that continuously kicks you when you're already down. It is relentless in it's pursuit to make you feel like dirt. When the happiness evades you are left fighting the darkness with the emptiness you feel inside. What's the point of fighting? There isn't a winner.
The depression is the one that makes you feel lonely even though you're not alone.
The depression makes you cry even though you're trying so hard to keep it together.
The depression always gets me.

Searching for those middle ground emotions that come so naturally to others is so hard. 
Some days (most days) it takes every single ounce of your being to put the extremes 'aside'.

I'm left with the realisation that my life wont ever be normal.
Question is: will I ever be okay with that?


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