Sunday, 26 August 2018

Birthdays.

I started my blog to be honest and share my thoughts and feelings so I'm going to make a conscious effort to make sure I do that. I wanna let you know what's going on in this broken little noggin of mine and as I approach my 23rd birthday I have so many thoughts floating around my head.

So this is a post all about birthdays and why I no longer want to celebrate mine.

image taken from pexels.com

If you'd have asked me what I wanted to do with my 23rd at the beginning of the year I'd have said I want the typical blogger photo with the numbered balloons, a nice breakfast and a little family gathering. Nice right?

Actually no. Because that isn't who I am. That's who I think I should be.
I'll start by saying that I have never liked my birthday. I've mentioned before that I won't have anyone sing Happy Birthday to me and that rule has been in place since I was young. Being as anxious and self conscious as I am, being the centre of attention is something I avoid at all costs. So you can imagine how hard birthdays have always been an awkward thing for me.

Obviously I can see why other people might want to celebrate my birthday because that's just what you do but I hate it. And as an adult, I have no obligation to mark my birthday. I am free to do what I wish with that day and right now, that's breeze right past it. Maybe in the future that will change but for now, life is too short to do things that make you unhappy and to be honest, that's what my birthday does.

But I was seeing all those lovely photos on Instagram of the perfect birthday scenes, sometimes parties and always with a beautiful person holding their balloons and I yearned for that.
I want to be the person that embraces all the attention and excitement surrounding the day I was born but I just don't get the hype.

At the end of the day, birthdays are for those who wish to celebrate their lives and as someone who has spent a huge part of their life extremely depressed or suicidal, quite frankly I don't feel like I want to celebrate life. Perhaps that seems like a really depressing thing to say but it's the way I feel.
I'm extremely anxious at the moment and my impending birthday is adding to that.
I think as you get older you need to be more honest with yourself and every time I think about my birthday I feel an unnecessary anxiety about it. I don't want to celebrate the person I am right now because I'm not happy with her. Perhaps more importantly I don't want other people celebrating me.
I don't want people to focus their attention on me because I'm not deserving of it. I'd much rather they spent their money on something useful or saved it for a rainy day. I'd rather they spent their day doing something worthwhile and useful. Or just spent the day doing something they love. I don't want any unnecessary time wasted on me.

Whenever another year passes I am reminded of all thats gone by and I do sit and overthink about all the goals I set the year before and how I inevitably haven't achieved them.
Sorry, I'm a pessimist right to the core. I become very reflective and caught up in my own thoughts in August and I'm not good company. I just want to stay in bed and ignore the world.

The idea of the time going by scares me. 

I have learned that the best way to live my life is to take each day as it comes and so the day I was born is just another one of those days. That being said, I will make an effort to get out of bed and make the best of the day. I'll be surrounded by my mum and sisters (and cats).I know they'll get me gifts and I'll be thankful and very grateful. The day will still be a lovely day.
It just wont be a typical birthday which sounds perfect to me.

I also want to say that I know how lucky I am to have everything and everyone I do and I live a good life. This isn't a "woe is me" kind of post. At least, that isn't the intention. My kind, loving family and comfortable life doesn't stop my mental illnesses from dictating everything I do and consuming my entire being. I realise how privileged I am and again, lucky to have this life and the network of wonderful people I do. And I will be "celebrating" with those people and enjoying their company. We just wont focus on just me. I want "my day" to be about love and living in the moment, not worry about the years ticking by.

How do you feel about birthdays?


10 comments:

  1. I've spent a lot of my life hating my birthday, so it's really interesting to hear others think in the same sort of way. You do whatever you feel is right <3

    Jas xx | https://thoughtsfromjasmine.co.uk

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  2. I love your honesty in this post and really respect you staying true to yourself. I've actually done the opposite and have begun to enjoy my birthdays more and more as the years pass. I used to feel exactly as you described- hating being the centre of attention and self-conscious. Now I'm more confident I do like to celebrate but only do so with a small group of loved ones!

    Soph - https://sophhearts.com x

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    1. Thank you. I hope in time I'll learn to be like you and embrace my birthday but for now I'm happy giving it a miss.

      Thank you for reading x

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  3. Its interesting to know what others think! I love celebrating birthdays with my friends and family! It depends though!

    Xoxo Babita
    http://travelhues.com

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    1. I'm glad to hear you love birthdays!

      Thanks for reading x

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  4. I love your honesty here! I've always hated my birthday. I don't really like being the centre of attention either and I hate the social pressure of having to have a 'good' one. I'm over celebrating mine too. It was mine last month and I literally went to dinner with just my mum. I'm an only child so her celebrating my birthday a little is okay. I honestly didn't want or need anything more. This was a great read x

    Sophie
    www.glowsteady.co.uk

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    1. It felt so weird to write about it because I've always hated my birthday. I'm glad you had a nice time on your own terms. It's so hard for introverts to be the centre of attention and I think that can be really difficult for others to understand. By choosing not to celebrate I'm not saying I don't appreciate things, I just prefer a different kind of celebration and that should be perfectly valid.

      Thank you for your comment Sophie x

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  5. I feel the same about New Year. I always find it such an anti climax and pretty sad to say goodbye to another year. It's my 30th next year and I am definitely dreading that!

    Roxie | thebeautifulbluebird.com

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    1. You know what, thinking about it I feel the same. I like spending new year surrounded by family though which is a contrast to how I feel about birthdays. It's weird but I like to start the new year with the people I love the most so spending it with my mum and my sisters is always how it will be.

      Thanks for reading x

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